Ok. I’ve just sat my little self down, with a cup of coffee and a slice of homemade banana cake. Yum. First of all, I just need to say, the coffee I’m drinking is a free sample of Starbucks VIA® Ready Brew . Its revolutionary, let me tell you. As they state on their website:
“This is not instant coffee as you know it. This is rich, flavorful Starbucks® coffee in an instant.”
And, y’know what? I agree with them. I excitedly tore the top of the sachet off, poured it into my favourite cavernous polka-dotty mug and thought curiously. “It looks like filter coffee”. I wondered if I was going to be sampling a mouth full off coffee grains, as I was drowning the pungently scented powder with boiling water. With a little squirt of Agave Nectar to sweeten my cup, I guzzled down my cup of comforting, steaming, sweet coffee like a builder (sorry to all builders out there, can’t imagine any reading my blog, but this is the 21st century). It was delicious. I almost forgot about my warm, spongy slice of banana cake. Crazy.
Moving on. Lately, I’ve been feeling a little low. I don’t really have any reason to, when you look at the bigger picture. I’m healthy, my family are healthy, I have a job, my husband is working (very) hard for us all, we have food on the table. I mean, really, what else do you need? Oh, central heating. Yes, of course. But what else? Sometimes, even when I reflect on how fortunate I am, doesn’t help lift my spirit. I’m tired, my skin and my diet are suffering, there are hardly moments to breathe. I know my job right now is to bring up my children. I know my job is to look after my family, to make sure they have everything they need. And all those things, naturally, come before my needs. Thats how it is when you’re a mum, right? Please. Correct me if I’m wrong. Every so often, I struggle. What about me? What about what I need? I know. Change the record. Yawn. Believe me, I bore myself with this arguement. I try not to talk about this particular dilemma, because I’m conscious that everyone has similar feelings, and that our circumstances and feelings are relative to our own lives. For example. Haiti. I can’t begin to imagine. The Thailand Tsunami…..again, for me, its incomprehensible. If I do decide to try to chew over how I’m feeling with people, I imagine them rolling their eyes. So I try not to even take that breath. But then sooner or later, it explodes. Because it has to escape eventually. So I guess its a good job I have this blog.
Time to re-focus. What’s my point? I’m frustrated. I have so much going on in my head, so much so, that I can’t concentrate, I can’t focus. So much I want to do. So many patterns, and ideas and fabrications. I want to sit down at my computer all day, every day and let it all seamlessly pour out. But I can’t. I have a full time job, and I have two children and a husband. And I have to prioritise the most important tasks over my needs. Don’t get me wrong, I love looking after my family, I wouldn’t change a thing. This particular feeling won’t last forever, I’ll probably be all thrown off balance when I have no one to look after, I realise that. Its just sometimes the juggling act has too many balls.
This post isn’t one I would normally be inclined to publish. I relish all the fluffy, pretty, far-away thoughts I have like a kitten bathing in the warmth of the afternoon sunshine. But I also want to relay that I have down days, and I get annoyed, just like everyone else, by…well…..life, y’know? People, the news I hear on the radio, selfishness, incompetent human beings. Stuff you’d normally share with your Gran. But I can’t because she’s no longer with us.
Anyway, rant over. Next stop: Positive Street.